Home, Sweet, Home

Home will always be a feeling; instead of a physical place.

Returning home after a long time away indeed feels wonderful.  I feel a mixture of excitement, contentment, nostalgia and slight confusion due to my forever existing sense of separation anxiety; which often reveals itself when I move between places and am faced with fresh transitions in my life.  Although I’m a traveller at heart; I make home a place in everywhere I go and find endless comfort in my surroundings, which often meant that I would get attached to where I was before moving onto somewhere new – despite how excited I may have felt without it.  When I was younger; I recall coming back to the UK after a few months away in the summer in Egypt every year to be met with severe post-travel blues; that was indeed too overwhelming for a child of my age at the time.  The feeling did always however, pass within a few days & I always resumed to being my normal self.  I always found the sensation strange; of how one can one day be somewhere and the next not be.  I certainly believe that my overly sensitive nature and my being as a deep empath means that all situations in life almost always affected me way more than a perhaps they would your average, normal person.  The feeling of settling down in new places every time we moved often overwhelmed me as we relocated from city to town, nesting in a variety of homes around the UK before settling down in Norfolk due to my fathers profession.   And although I appreciate the excitement of turning a new leaf, just like anybody; I really do dislike the uncertainty of the unknown.  Which is why I more than ever cherished the importance of learning to detach from these negative, residual feelings of endings and embrace that my transition to higher things in life can only be a good thing – that holding onto the past only causes myself nothing but further suffering.

To those who are unaware; a few days ago I gathered all my belongings and moved back to my childhood home in Norfolk’s countryside after three years of living in my university halls.  Based on my previous fears in life regarding transitions; I honestly thought that it would be harder to bid farewell to a place that became home, despite it’s limitations in comparison to the real comfort of a real home that one may have once been used to.  What I realised however following a stressful few and rather hectic weeks of packing and adjusting to the upcoming changes, I believe a sort of epiphany occurred deep within me.  I understood that all those years of suffering in regards to transitions were not necessarily needed and that this change in perception has allowed me to understand that this is not a goodbye to London; but in fact a stepping stone to a new future ahead of me.  I also thoroughly believe that home will always be a feeling; instead of a physical place.  And I will move on with and cherish the memories that I have made in mind and heart, alongside holding a hope for all the bigger things to come.

If you ever find yourself also feeling similar to what I used to feel; just remember that an ending is not always that; but is instead a beginning.  If we spend all our time contemplating time lost or past happenings, we are only starving ourselves of experiencing what really matters, which is nothing more or less than simply the absolute, present moment.

An End & A Beginning

As I currently sit upon my Egypt Air seat of 53C at 11:06 AM, I decide its appropriate to turn to my poorly neglected blog for the upcoming journey that consists of 4-5 hours flight time. I created this WordPress account just over a year ago to document my gap year; which today, has indeed come to a very sincere end. I’m not entirely sure where to begin; I cannot tell exactly whether it flew by ever so fast or if it has perhaps stretched out to a decade due to countless events and wondrous happenings occurring in between. I seem to recall the start as fresh as I do the ending. But over the past few months, aside from what was apparent in my surroundings, ever changing environment and people; I most importantly, see a huge transformation within myself.

Departing the UK at 18 years of age in June 2013, I was an entirely different person. Witnessing oneself lose, gain, learn and grow in a place different to what I was perhaps used to, irregardless of my holidays spent in Egypt over the years, it was indeed challenging – but the most inspiring kickstart towards adulthood. Learning to thrive amongst the new, adapt to culture, to welcome with open arms and to simply, care less – was indeed a pure breath of fresh air in a city too extravagant to dislike.

I do indeed anticipate clicking that resume button in which I had paused my reality – to return to my future, my life back in England; but I cannot deny the fact that I do miss Egypt. I fully embrace that I am a part of two greatly opposite yet amazing cultures; I appreciate that I have two homes and feel ever so blessed for the opportunities I have been given in this life. When I am in England, I long for those warm, tropical summer days and nights spent by the sea at home; in the burning daylight of 40 degree sunshine – feet tickled by soft, warm grains of sand; our bodies entrenched in the cooling waves of the ocean’s blue. I strangely enough, like placing my head upon my pillow awaiting to fall into deep slumber whilst I hear the noise of street life and car horns sound alarmingly in the distance. To say I do not see flaws in Egypt would be a huge lie; I am only human and my writing to a public audience does not mean I will sugar coat life in Egypt. But amongst the poverty, total lack of safety and other misfortunes, I will accept my sometimes felt hatred and combine it with great love to the place.

Because I don’t permanently reside in Egypt, I do receive negativity for the times I complain about Egypt as well as the times I state that it is actually, a good place. Being an outsider will always prove a greater deal of wisdom; but will result in great criticism from others. I sometimes feel like I am a swab placed under a microscope in Egypt; I am questioned by people and their noses are almost always finding their way into my personal business.

I hold strong opinions against Egypt at times, for example I most often always clash with someone, somewhere. I don’t appreciate minimum charges at cafés (wasn’t ever forced to order something in the West if I didn’t want to) – I despise nothing more than littering and I don’t like constantly being worried about my purse or expensive items being snatched. Maybe, however, I choose to only open an eye to the good because my time is always limited there, and coming from a pessimist, that’s something. Learning to appreciate and be grateful for what I have has been very motivational, satisfying and has indeed proved great inner peace. I am very excited to move on and to resume a chapter that has been eagerly waiting to be read.

I hope that I have been inspiring readers to open their minds; to cherish their surroundings and to always aim for what seems impossible, because it can be achieved. To some, I may have wasted a year, I have paused higher education to have fun and have taken a decision I will regret later; but I do not let others excrete into my head regarding my own personal decisions. A year ago; I was far from ready to start University, with strange feelings of child-like high school insecurities and nerves. What I aimed for was the time, to explore, to develop, mature and indulge in my passions; so I could develop them further into my more serious years of life. I do indeed feel ready now to take the leap into further future building, now I am sure of myself and my home.

Holding mixed feelings of nostalgia, excitement, happiness and the pain of missing a person; all I can say for now is thank you, Egypt. For all the good, the bad, the hideous and the wonderful memories you’ve brought and will continue to bring. I look forward to visiting you again in the very near future.